literature

In Dreams

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ShadowMinx6's avatar
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Literature Text

Your loving smile
On porcelain lips
They kissed the moon
In hues of red

The only fault that I ever felt,
Was falling for the girl
Who never fell...
I am not exactly good at small poems, aka Short Poems but i thought maybe if i gave it a try. I always had dreams of a woman, with the stars in her eyes. Yes i only chase her in my dreams but thats because, she leads me to the light in which i wake up.. Also may i remind you, just because i dont normally write short poems, doesnt mean i hate them. Oh god no.. its just hard to find a story within such short of words! i hopefully found that for you guys.
© 2015 - 2024 ShadowMinx6
Comments4
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Annthesquirrel's avatar
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

Well, I'm not exactly "good" at critiques, so we'll be starting on even footing <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt=";)" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="387" title=";) (Wink)"/>

I honestly think that as far as short poems go, this is good. I don't think anyone can really define poetry, and I honestly find it extremely difficult to give a critique to poetry. I'll try my best though.

The lyricism of the poem was nice - if spoken aloud, it had a nice, gently flow. Beyond that, the italics added an emphasis that WORKED. It wasn't pointless, but gave enhancement to the "story" of the poem itself. To my eyes, the beginning of the poem is addressed to the girl who never fell, as if this has already occurred - the first part is a memory, a reminiscent remark, whereas the bottom part is why the memory is coming up.

There's a lot of people I know who have a thing about damaged heroines - which is good and well, but I've only met two REAL ones in my life beyond the pages of a book - and honestly? This captures them. Those two people are a little wild, bold, strong, but they also have had their fair share of shit. They've messed up and self-destructed, they've been in hard positions before, and that's how they got to where they are as "the girl / who never fell".

I guess it's clear I don't really agree with maxnort's assessment, but it's poetry, yaknow? Everyone interprets it differently, because we've all had different life experiences and such. That can definitely be a factor when it comes to how the audience takes your poetry, so always remember that.

All in all, I liked it. You've implied you don't practice short poetry form often, so seeing this, you aren't BAD at it. With some more practice, you could probably write stellar stuff! It's GOOD as it stands, but if you want to improve it, the only thing to do is keep on trucking with trying the form out. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt=":D" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="366" title=":D (Big Grin)"/>